Life a Lie

12:19 AM Mallikarjun 4 Comments

I keep on living a lie, for I am not ready to accept the truth. Yet. Many times I ponder about my existence. What am I doing? Why am I doing things? Do I seek thrill and joy? Or happiness? Should I do something to help others? Should I make people realize my importance to them so that they seek me out? Do I want to see a smile on the face of my dear ones, the people really close to me? Or am I just deluding myself, a non-consequential cog in a humungous system, trying to find my identity. The answer to all the above questions is no, but put together, they give me an answer that I can hold on to for the moment.

Yet I wander. For the truth. I can’t see it yet. There are numerous layers covering my eyes, layers of silken web binding my hands and feet, restricting me. It deprives me of true vision and freedom of choice. I try to break out, to rebel. I don’t realize that the more I struggle, the more I get tangled. I need to let go. And yet the threads pull at me, and my mind tells me to free myself, and I obey. I stack myself with information, rummaging for answers. But I don’t know the right question. It’s there somewhere, in the vastness. Not too far. But I can’t reach it in my current anxious and rigid state. I need to relax. Accept that there is nothing to achieve, nothing to gain or lose. By finding the solution to my current problem, my restlessness, I don’t think I will attain greatness, if something like that exists, considering the fickleness and immensity of time. It’s just inner peace that I seek. To harness the blaze within, and channel it into a joyful spectra. And yet I gloat. With words.

I understand the utter uselessness of things I do every day, and yet I get all gung – ho when I see or do or learn or get something new. Every material thing, every perceptible feeling and thought, is part of the shackles that bind me. But I believe that I acquire moments of pleasure and satisfaction and euphoria out of them. It’s like being on a drug and hallucinating. It’s there, you can see it, but then it’s not. You need to look further. Into the darkness. Dig deeper. And believe, that there is light at the end of the tunnel.